2023/6/30
Couldn’t sleep.
It came up to me again. More than a year ago, I was standing outside the tube station, ready to go to Lottie’s birthday, I received Sam’s message how much he loved his girlfriend and how lovers become friends etc., with that stupid song.
I was in so much pain I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t control tears coming out of my eyes. It felt like a knife, jabbed me, and twisted, take it out, repeat.
My eyes were blurred, my hands were shaky, actually, my entire body was probably shaky, I wanted to sit down, kneel, to weep, to cry loudly. But I couldn’t.
‘If she’s the love of your life you shouldn’t give up.’ I replied something like that instead and encouraged him to talk to her.
I was so stupid.
He knew what he was doing. He knew how much pain that had and that will put me through.
He knew I had feelings for him.
…
You know what else is sad?
I cried once because he was talking to me nicely. Like actually asking how I’ve been and act like he cared about me. He then asked if I’m crying.
Then he proceed to ask me to watch porn with him.
I was in Bristol.
…
He knew, from the beginning, I’m not supportive, nor interested in getting involved in someone else’s affair.
Yet he keep painting me as something dirty, someone evil, some kind of crime, like I seduced him, like it’s all my fault, like it’s none of his responsibility. While I sent him nothing and said nothing.
…
I started to become scared of, feel untrusting about men.
From all the love bombing, followed by stone walling, to be used as he wish, discarded whenever’s he’s done, the gaslighting, manipulation, when he act like I’m something disgusting. He kept me on a leash so he could easily access whatever he wanted, but I could never get anything, nothing nice, not even a tiny bit. That’s why the tiniest bit of sweetness made me cry.
I’m deeply wounded. I’m more wounded than I think. It’s accumulated trauma.
Hey, another time I’m on my own and stitch myself up, right?
Who cares if I cried? Who cares if I bleed? Who cares if I was in pain? Who cares?
I assume I’ll be leave to bleed to death, like every previous times.
My entire life, again and again, on repeat, rejected when I cry for help. I have stop asking for it long time ago.
I wonder why I never felt a sense of belonging.
I couldn’t remember how many times I cried because of this sharp pain, this physical, acute pain in my body, that paralysis me, in the last few years.
…
Washed my face.
Hey, it’s not a bad thing after all. Like I said before, I wish everyone experience what it felt like to fall in love, without the pain part.
The whole thing is not anybody’s fault. I’m just in love with the wrong person- can’t expect kindness from everyone, especially a person that doesn’t love me.
He’ll be better off without me.
CC ask what happened to me.
‘Nothing.’ I said.
‘Are you ok?’ She asked.
‘No.’
‘Is there anything I can do for you?’
‘….. it seems like… there’s nothing to do.’ I said. ‘Thank you.’
I genuinely mean it. I really appreciate the kindness.
‘It’s the… hate inside. The hate came from there’s nothing I can do about it. But I shouldn’t be bothered by things there’s nothing I can do.’ I said.
‘It’s ok, you can’t control sadness.’ She said.
‘When those boys are sad, mistreated by some girl, they come to me and mistreat me. I’m always “the second choice”, “safe choice”, “someone I’ll date in the future”. The backup. I was never anyone’s first choice, a person who anyone wanted to love passionately.’
They gave all their best to someone else, came to me for comfort, for confidence boost, suck up my energy, my love, go back to someone else. I was always the ‘side chick’, pushed to the role before I could understand, my passion, my warmth, drained one time after another, as I never met anyone who reflected it back. They were like black holes.
‘I don’t think it’s true! I think you just haven’t met the person yet.’ She said.
‘I hope so.’ I said.
‘You will.’ She said. ‘My theory is good people will always end up with good people.’
‘Ok.’ I said.
Swollen eyes collection yay😎