2023/7/1

Ah I forgot to mention. I met some really interesting people on Wednesday.

My smoke detector is beeping. Probably out of battery.

Had a conversation with Hannah, will write about it later.

…

Hannah broke up with her bf a few months ago. She’s currently on apps wanting a situationship, but she also feels like the nice person wouldn’t want something casual and people who want something casual aren’t nice people.

I agreed. I think there must be people like her who are nice and want situationships, but circumstance force people to be assholes.

I told her about my rebound and if I can talk to my old self I would say not go down this route, but it’s something I won’t be able to understand unless I tried.

‘There are two scenarios, either you sleep with them, you realise you like them, but the unsaid agreement is no strings attached, so you’ll be sad; or you sleep with them, you realise you don’t like them, you regret sleeping with them at all. It didn’t take too much tries for me to realise it’s not my thing. So now is only sleep with people I think there’s a potential for relationship with, which might be right or might be wrong, since I’ve not had ANY sex for years. My friends don’t really understand this, they don’t think there’s a need to hold back, I can sleep with people while finding the right one etc.. I don’t know if I’ll regret my decision.’

Because I’m really horny. 😂 EVERY SINGLE TIME I say no to a man I take a deep breath to my stomach to NOT imagine what it feels like to have sex. I can’t. I really can’t. A part of my heart is still with Sam. And I didn’t really like them either.

‘I don’t think you will.’ She said.

‘I hope.’ Fingers crossed.

Hannah also wanted to try polyamory, i think she should go for it. I told her what I told Sarah to provide a point of perspective as a monogamous person- basically I know I’m limited and I wouldn’t be able to deliver the love that’s up to my standard to more than one person.

I also told her about my past two relationships and Sam. I said it’s a good learning experience, and probably made me a better lover.

‘I’m quite a physical person, so apps didn’t work for me- I met both of my exes in real life. This is probably the reason I was caught in bad relationships in my second one, it started with a hookup, the fact that we have different values showed gradually over time. I think Sam taught me a different way of falling in love, which is good.’

I also told her I lose my interest in other men, lose my libido such and such for a long time when I realised I really like him. ‘You’ll feel it when it’s there. At least I did. It’s felt like apocalypse… maybe apocalypse is not the right word, end of the world at least.’

I thought that’s funny. There’s nothing normal about Sam. He’s literally the anomaly of how I deal with other humans, in every single way.

I told her about my friend where she wanted to ‘feel in love but not in a relationship’, which is bizarre to me, when he called off she’s sad, which confuses me more. He really liked her and she was horrible to him. The last time they were in contact he was in London for transit for 2 days, probably less than 48 hrs, just to see her really quickly, he told her all his travel details etc. wishing to meet her. She said no. YG said she’s sad because she has no one to play with and torture now. -that’s the conclusion she got last week. At least she’s aware she’s selfish. 😂She also refuses to contact him, ‘because he’ll know I couldn’t find someone better’. SMH

She told me what everyone else’s up to. Seems like everyone’s moving fast while I’ve been stuck for years.

How pathetic.

Anyways, hard decision, easy life. I hope I’m doing the right thing.

…

Oh yes right. Sam also wanted a threesome with me and my friend. I’m not sure which friend he was referring to but that got me traumatised and scared for years.

It’s even more pathetic I remember those stuff and it can still hurt me- Means I still like him.

😂

…

I mean I’m most likely wrong- not as confident as my interest rate prediction. I don’t think Putin will be kicked out of power or severely weakened by this incident, I don’t think this is ‘the downfall of Putin’ yet.

Putin probably had some sort of strong political union now with someone else, or between the his government and military, that’s why progozhin flipped out. That means Russian probably have a better grip on the war.

…

I had a dream Dyson has a vacuum head to pick up socks. It has a conical shape, a soft rubber/silicone bottom and a cross opening on the bottom. In the dream I showed my mum by picking up a sock and said: look, this is one of the useless cool vacuum heads they have.