2023/6/19

Due to limited resources I put a finger in tonight when I masturbate. OMG this is interesting! I didn't move the finger at all, I can feel muscle contraction from 4 different directions when I orgasm, and the slight constant pressure after I orgasm but want to hold it for more.

I am also completely, 100% sure now the nice smell did came from my vagina, not the soap I use to wash my 🥕, it's a distinctive kind of aroma comes from the inside bc I normally never smell it myself, unless I put something in, which was my 🥕. It also taste nice, not salty, slightly sweet, mostly taste like nothing. I thought that probably means I drank enough water today. Or I have diabetes……..

…

Two people said good morning to me when I walked on the street. SMH. The power of clothing.

I'm way less angry now. I shouldn't be angry with human nature.

Met Olle. Interesting observation: he's Dutch, he insisted to pay for the lunch. I've never met any British men insisted to pay the whole bill, but they call the action of spilting bill go Dutch. Hmmmmmm

Anyway, I saw him watching my story for a few months. More than six months, actually. He never followed me, I don't know him. One day I decided to message him.

'Who are you?’ I asked.

'i came across your account randomly.’ he said.

'that didn't answer my question.’ I said.

Then he did a brief self introduction.

When Im in London I decided to hit him up. I was curious about this internet stranger. Coinsdentially he's on holiday this week, free on Monday(today) and flying back to Amsterdam Tuesday for his mother's birthday.

We went for a walk around Kensington gardens. He's a banker. He's blonde, skinny and tall. Said the whole business is gambling and he feel like he's working in a big casino. I laughed at the description. He also work from 7AM to 6PM. Bruh. No wonder you have burnout. I said.

I can't remember what we talked about either. I probably told him too much about how silicon wafers are made. We decided to stop for some ice cream. We got to the exit of the park and he asked if I want some food.

…

Went to get a new phone. The Vodafone guy was nice.

Killed an ant that's crawling on my ear.🥲

Overheard two girls in the park. One telling the other she asked the guy 'did you give me STD?’, the guy has STD. She said it in such a light hearted manner, like it's some kind of funny story.

It made me feel sick. So I moved to another tree shadow.

…

At YG's place.

She forced us to watch the idol. This TV is so shit hahhahahahhahahahhahahahahahhahahahhhahahahah

In the taxi out of YG's place I thought about Sam told me 'i don't have money for the taxi.’ again.

Meeting me is worth less than 9 pounds of his money and 15 mins of his time. Or 2 pounds of public transport.

And the 'what do you want?’ 'you are not my type' 'i don't need a friend' 'did you want all this' 'i can never meet you' 'do you always create your own reality'

That's who I fell in love with.

Someone made me felt dirty, sick, someone that looks down on me and force his intention upon me, like I've done something wrong, that love is a crime, like I'm crazy, and out of touch, like I don’t make any sense.

What have I done?

I felt sick again.