2023/6/18
In the British museum with Julia
Told her about emperor Yong Le, Zhuang Zi, Chun Qiu era, explained how chinese pen, ink and palette work. Saw a very pretty fan.
Thought about AI hallucination problem and
How humans determines and deferetiate reality
Took her to Hai Di Lao, I was worried if I'm too pushy so I asked her and she said it's fine, she likes me to take her to try new things etc etc
Bird pooped on my towel.
…
Do I have too high of a standard of love?
We had a conversation about polygamy, where Sarah explained she saw a video online saying people only be some percentage of themselves in front of their partner, that why people have multiple partners etc etc. It doesn't mean they don't love him/her. She said she resonance with it, feel like she can't be her full real self in front of Bernie, I thought that's basically a death sentence for the relationship. Either she's gonna cheat or they are gonna break up one day. If her needs can't be satisfied, it's not fair for her either. They argue for very tiny stuff like vacuum cleaner and she thinks Bernie is either stupid or not using his brain. The vacuum argument made me laugh but it's also the reason I don't think she loves him anymore- since she starts to think this way.
I told her what I think as a monogamous person. I only have limited resources as a person, I only have that much time, that much attention, that much money, and I'm a high risk reward person who would rather gamble big for the higher prize. It's a lot to do with personality and mating strategy, I think.
She asked how Sam is.
I told her it's the biggest heart break I've ever had. But I also think it's fine.
She asked me why I loved him.
I probably still do. I said. I'm hoping it'll be gone soon, I can already see the progress, I'm not afraid to admit I loved him, what I like and disliked now. He's attractive funny and smart, he has a natural curiosity towards things, knows stuff I don't.
She asked what went wrong. I don't know how much details I should give her. I thought about explaining the desperate feeling of realising myself in a jail of loving a person who doesn't love me, I thought about the disrespect and how I've been treated like sexual item, I thought about how I found myself lonely.
So I said nothing of those.
He loved himself. I said. He never loved me. My desires, my feelings never mattered to him. I was there to satisfy his needs.
He's not worth it. She said. There are plenty of men like him in London.
I didn't say anything and smiled drily.
Julia and I went to get kebab. 'Things in this country looks nice on the outside but not as nice on the inside.’ She said.
I agreed.
Julia went back. She was here for a day only. I hoped we could spend more time together. I feel loved she came to check up on me just because I said I feel lonely and sad.
I can't stand my old phone. It's freezing every 10 mins and make calls sound like badly DJ-ed EDM