2023/4/6

😇😌 Gooooood morning

…

Life goes too fast. Two years gone, in a blink.

How many more three years I have to love a person?

Sometime I’m afraid I have too little, too few to give when I final have the chance to love properly.

The first time I knew about death was 12. I saw it. I felt it. From then on I start to do things I want to do immediately. On the spot. Right now. As soon as I can. There shouldn’t be any wait. Anything can disappear tomorrow. For the people who don’t understand, it seems too direct, too intentional, too obsessional, too much, too ambitious, too fast. You name it.

For a while I was confused and angered by the notion go with flow. And live unintentionally. (I had too many conversations with D about this.) Sounds like drinking an expensive glass of champagne without understanding it. What’s the point of having something if you never wanted it? What’s the point of living without actually living it?

22, I was walking down a street with Jackson. I just graduate. We bought two cans of soda. ‘Do you want to hear it?’ He asked. ‘Yeah sure!’ He popped opened a can. Both of us put our ears very close. We giggled like two children. More or less around that day I realize how good this part of life is. How much it meant for me. It’s not for some arbitrary goal, like be a famous Professor(well at that stage I still wanted it😂), be rich, be this and that anymore. Daily life is something I genuinely want to and do enjoy. Things like sex, good food, good time is way more important.

I suffer in college, like most people in physics. But a few months later I jumped right back in. ‘I did it for happiness.’ Is what I told Matt when I quit. I genuinely meant it. I had nothing else much to do in my life. I felt like my family all have their own family, I don’t have a lover, nor any hobbies I was intensely interested. I felt like I have nowhere to go. travel, beach, museum trips, starts to seem lonely. Nobody’s interested in fun facts when I’m by myself.

It’s the only place I’m familiar with. I know my way around and it would keep me company.