2023/5/30

Had a dream.

I took someone home.

I was playing the piano and played a tune he knows, he pointed at the short handed performer name and said do you know who WA stands for

I said I don’t know and he said it’s Wachowski(after I woke up I find out I made up this performer)

We listened to the music for a while then he requested a version of Gymnopedie from Wachowski

Then he picked up my saxophone to have a try, my mum heard and tried to teach him to play a scale. Then she gave us apples.

I took my half and walked to the dining room with him. It was raining outside.

Woke up feeling sick and have a headache

Thoughts after woke up: I’m the 老婆孩子热炕头 type of person. I always knew. I never asked for some heart aching, madness stuff, and this is the stuff I accidentally fall into. Which is killing me.

…

Woke up today, feeling unmotivated. Like I’m already awake but I would rather do nothing. CC called, she saw my puffy eyes.

‘What happened?’ She asked. ‘You don’t seem very happy recently. It’s been a while.’

‘Yeah. I feel unmotivated, unloved, doesn’t have the energy to do anything.’

‘Tell me.’ She said.

I didn’t say anything. So we were silent for a while.

‘Tell me.’ She said again.

‘It’s Sam.’ I said. ‘I’ve been feeling more and more pain recently.’

‘I don’t really know what happened between you two, what your feelings for him, or what you guys did. It doesn’t seems as easy as you previously described, he seems to mean a lot more than what you claim to be.’

‘Nothing happened.’ I said. ‘It’s all in my head. The truth is, I’m in love with him long before I realise and long before I’m willing to admit. You know the day I met him? Like before I always had this feeling but unsure, but I know exactly what I felt the moment I saw him. Like everything made sense.’

I don’t even know how to continue or what else shall I say.

‘So you 失恋了(lost love).’

‘Yeah… I don’t know. Nothing actually happened, so I can’t say I actually lost anything.’

‘Don’t be too harsh on yourself.’ She said. ‘If you felt something, that’s something.’

‘I know how I felt the moment I saw him, I know how I felt the month followed I met him, and I know how he treated me will never change, I don’t expect anyone to change, so I can’t stay. It’s a mixture of everything, I don’t know if it’s the pain that I cant have him, or the pain I felt mistreated, or the fear he’s abandoning me all the time, or my own fear I can’t love anyone else, I don’t know.’

‘You will.’ She said. ‘You will meet someone new.’

‘I know.’ I said. ‘It’s getting better this month. A few months ago I was in serious dread and lost all hope. I genuinely felt I can’t love anyone else anymore.’

‘How come you can’t have him? I thought you’ve been pushing him away all the time.’

‘Me? Pushing him away?’ For a second I don’t even know how she got the situation so wrong, or how did I gave her the wrong impression. ‘He was never available. NEVER EVER available for me. Even in the end I pretty much poured my emotions out, he offered me something I don’t want. If I ever accept what he offered, it’s an insulted to me and a taint to the love I had.’ I don’t know if I sound angry. ‘I would rather accept a friendship, or a goodbye even, than what he proposed. I feel mad at myself. I don’t want to force myself on anybody, but I feel like I’ve been played, thrown away. What for? The truth is only I have the power to make ME fall in love with him. He didn’t do anything wrong if he choose to take what I offered and not reciprocate. And here I am, sad and heart broken for nothing. I hate myself.’

‘Why are you holding yourself to such a high standard? It’s hard enough to say no, it’s alright to feel sad.’

‘I don’t want to be sad.’ I said. ‘If we cant have anything, if we didn’t had any anything, if there’s no kindness I should be forever grateful for, I shouldn’t be dwell on it. I spent at least three hours a day thinking about him, it’s like a self fuelling circle.’

I started crying again.

‘How long has it been?’ She asked.

‘Three or four years. Two at least I’m consciously aware of.’ I said. ‘Here I am, spending my life and my energy, on a person that doesn’t love me and never will.’

‘I didn’t know any of this.’ She said.

Later I told her about Mr. Travis, he’s very homophobic, so me, being the usual annoying me, asked if he ever had the thought to being intimate with a man, and he told me he’s ‘God’s gift to women.’ I laughed so hard. He repeated and said again very seriously he’s a gift to women. He also considers the sole purpose of women is to make babies. His father is marrying another wife next month and he doesn’t consider it as a problem, because he ‘wants more brothers’ and ‘more people more power’.

I told him I don’t really want to be in the same car with some people tomorrow(referring to Saturday), I have a headache even think about it, because all she/they talk about is men, fuck, rugby, who’s fit etc etc. ‘Have you thought about you might be jealous? It sounds like a sign of jealousy.’ I tried really hard not to laugh, and swallowed my nugget, ‘Yeah? You think so?’ I said.

She laughed.

‘I don’t think I’ll get in touch with him again. I was curious about his dealer life, he told me some stuff and how he laundered money, and eventually got busted by police.’ I told her the story. ‘He’s not interested in telling me anything more, and said I couldn’t understand anything. He consider himself figured life out already and I’m an innocent stupid girl. Well, he might be right.’

She laughed even harder.