2023/3/7
Was watching a talk show. They were talking about reading. They mentioned how younger generation have less patience to read big book and more people prone to read success stories etc., i thought older generation most people don’t have the patience to read thick pages either, it’s the same. It’s also a matter of luck, if people are not at that stage of life they won’t be interested.
I find one person in the talk show particularly intriguing, he’s a editor or publisher of some sort, he said he used to make his day very filled and busy all the time, but when his daughter was born, for the first time he felt like he was a failure in his past life because he didn’t had enough time to do things like this, simply do nothing and enjoy the time with loved ones.
One of the guest said she read what her ex read after she broke up, to figure out what happened in his life and try to see the path he had been through, another person said it’s the trace of love for someone, a bit like The Museum of Innocence(I went to google the book). The person said it’s always when people break up they want to read what their past partner used to read, but during they are uninterested. Other people agreed saying it’s very interesting, I thought it’s interesting too because it’s not true for me, and probably the complete opposite.
I was ‘an expert of 🍃’ when I smoked, I read everything about it, from strains, chemical contents, molecular formula, how it binds with neurons, and of course how to grow, the perfect light, humidity and timing for harvest… I never looked back since I quit.
I knew EVERYTHING about my ex when we were together, I researched him, his particular habits and characteristics, his taste on color, clothes, food, what he watch and listen although i don’t agree with half of them, I never placed chopsticks or knife on his right hand side, ever. I didn’t checked his social media or anything about him since we broke up- it’s a done deal for me. Case closed. None of my business anymore even I was in pain. He reached out a few times and eventually said I am cold blooded, I’m not sure how I should feel.
Sometimes I think maybe he never understood my love. I tried everything, the final ‘cruelty’ he called came from all my failed attempts to save it. People who didn’t loved, half loved, won’t understand the devastation and how clear it is that everything has ended after you’ve exhausted all your attempts.
One man after another made me felt like a failure of some sort. At some point I have stop feeling this way, maybe people can only end up with people of the same love language. When attention, attentiveness, understanding, loyalty and love thrown in trash and ridiculed, there’s nothing I can do apart from accept the loss and leave. Everytime, I feel like things have been taken away, something has been drained or suck dry- never once I feel complete or complimented by a man.
It is indeed two pieces of puzzles coming together, two odd shapes trying to keep intact.
