2024/9/8

I’m tired. I want to go home. I have left home for 3 days.

Socialising is not as fun as making things.

Saw a random video for a few seconds, the girl said something like oh i don’t know how to deal with failure it’s so hard etc etc

It’s too late I have no idea what she’s on about. Don’t be a petty loser, leave or go again? Like what’s the problem

Had some new insights about libraries

Will talk to HHZ tomorrow

we had so much fun last night we were singing lady gaga Madonna and Kanye west on the empty quiet street at 1 AM hahahahahahhaha

We also talked about his and my none existing sex life, he complained he doesn’t feel pleasure from getting penetrated I told him I felt the same (nothing but pain) in the first place it’s like something that gets better with practice. Tbf I didn’t figure out the pleasure for a good while.

He asked me how long I’ve been single, I can’t even remember really, I told him it’s about 4, 5 years, he asked not even casual sex, no, I said. I was staying away from stupid decisions after my last broke up but it went too fucking long then I was mesmerised by Sam so I couldn’t see anyone else.  (As in I don’t notice other people) I can’t believe you are so obsessed. He said. You are one of the most logical person I know.

He also said he couldn’t believe he(Sam) hurt me that much. I cried in front of him a few times.

Do you not know me. I said. It’s either all logical or no logic at all. I finished the drink. I love orange scent. He got something rose flavoured.

It doesn’t work for me. I said. Something like an emotional calculated decision, it just doesn’t exist. I can’t weight emotion. I know what my emotion says, what my gut says, I lost my mind over some random dude on the internet and I fucking loved it. My logic also told me he can’t, won’t, didn’t and have a high probability will not give me what I want.

Do you think it’s almost over? He asked.

It’s over. I know what I want and what I deserve. I said. To be fair I always knew. I thought.

He asked about ‘Hegel’, an analyst for some investment fund.

No no no no no no. He’s so tiny. I said. I illustrated. Girl have standards.

He laughed.

Look, I don’t actually have anything against mini penis. I said. But I knew about 15 mins in the conversation he’s not the one. There’s no point. He’s a big player, plus, he’s heavily into BDSM or something.

Do you feel the sense of power when you make your bf come? I asked.

Yeah. He said.

I suspect he can’t make a girl come with his penis. That’s why he’s into abuse and humiliation. I said.

I’ve seen the ‘have power over me’ face on man and how much confidence boost it gives. My theory is this guy can’t have this power rush in the ordinary way.

I know how much of a power high it is for a man to make a girl come. I love it too. I’d love to give someone myself completely. I’d love a person to have me completely. But where do I find such a person, a person who’s doesn’t abused the power?

He mentioned his bf is shy and not confident with how he looks.

Does he likes you or he’s actually not confident? I asked. Bc I give 0 fuck about 99.99% of people think about I look. If someone tell me he/she thinks I’m ugly I’ll laugh and tell him/her to look at the mirror. but if I like someone I don’t feel pretty enough.

Both. He said.

I also felt like he probably didn’t gave his bf enough validation either. As a lover it’s your duty to make him feel like the most beautiful most special person in the world. You are suppose to act like you’ve never seen anyone, anything more charming. But I didn’t say.

He isn’t as good looking as my exes. He said.

Pfff. Really? They look the same. I said.

Come on. He said. Really.

He’s kind and smart. It’s a rare combination. I said.

There are many good men out there. He said.

There aren’t. I said. I don’t know if the demographic I’ve encountered or it’s the reality- kind people are rare. Kind and smart is an even rarer combination. Don’t let him go.

Ok. He said.

Maybe reopen the conversation about housing and career? Just to show him you care and you don’t mean that way.

Ok. Yeah. He said.

A few days ago they had an argument. His bf wanted to move to a smaller city and a job in states company, bc it’s more stable. He’s suffering in his current job. He also wants an apartment of his own. In general he’s feeling very insecure.

HHZ doesn’t want to move to a smaller city, and if he does, he would rather move back home. He also doesn’t want to buy an apartment now bc it’s too much leverage. He said if he(the bf) moves to a smaller city that basically means the end of the relationship etc. The bf said something like all you want is me to leave.