2024/9/27

I’m scared af. My subconscious is telling me to avoid the guy. I want to feel safe.

Cried in bed. Meta glasses is really cool, I was excited for a while how they used SiC waveguide. Then what I’m scared of came back. What if he ignores my messages and blocks me whenever it’s inconvenient for him? What if this is another person who uses me as an outlet instead of actual cares about how I feel? I’m so scared and I don’t know what to do

My body feels less shaky and numb now. I should keep calm. Self-realization is priority over men trauma. It’s only a tiny part of my life and this episode will be over soon.

Couldn’t sleep. Cried again. My body in numb and in pain again. I don’t want to be a bigger person. I want to hate. I really need it. I really want this hate to explode. I want to stop saying to myself it’s ok we are in different paths we want different things and going through different time frame, it’s not simple as that. In different time frame doesn’t means you need to use someone who doesn’t want to be used. I want to stop making excuses. I want to wish him pain, as much as he put through me. I wish some kind of universe justice even I know it doesn’t exist.

But hey, he didn’t put me through anything. I put myself through things. He shouldn’t mean anything.

I’m feeling shaky again.