2023/4/1

Today I told CC I had an explosive rant to Sam.

‘It felt so good.’ I said. ‘It’s not nice but nice is not good for my mental health anymore. I feel exceptionally good.’

‘What did you say?’ She asked.

‘Oh nothing much, basically said I hate him.’ I tried to gloss over the details. ‘I did things wrong, he did things wrong. And I genuinely wished him to feel what I felt without the person treat him like shit. I think that would be nice. It’s a good thing.’

‘Do you think there’ll be more?’

‘More what?’

‘Him.’

‘Oh no.’ I laughed. ‘It’s over. I was bat shit crazy. I wanted him to hate me. I wanted him to be intimated and terrified.’ I tried, I loved, I hated, I laughed, I cried, I know who he is, I know who I am. I don’t want to get hurt and feel abandoned again, so I’m gonna take the initiative to shut him up before he blocks me.

I hesitated for a few seconds, feel like if I pour everything out it would be one step closer to closure. ‘once, I told him something like, this relationship between us is not healthy, it either needs change or abandoned completely. He said do you think we were in a relationship all this time, things like that, it’s very humiliating, he acted like I was imagining things, or cling to him or something, so I explained to him relationship can mean any kinds of relationship in Chinese, the connection between two individuals.’

‘Very full of himself. I assume it’s the same in English.’

‘I assumed so too. There’s the evening he asked me to come over, I said yes, then he asked me multiple times do I really want it. Like try to shame me or something. I thought it’s funny and irritating, he initiated everything, whether talk to me, take things sexual, invite me to his place, and when agree or happy to participate he’ll humiliate me. Like I did something disgusting. He wants someone that doesn’t want him, reject him, doesn’t like him.’

‘就是贱呗。’She said. I didn’t know what to say.

‘It’s…different.’ The things we want, the type of love we recognize etc.. I shook my head. He didn’t want love, he said it quite firmly he only wants to have some fun. My mistake. ‘I still haven’t figure out why or how I fell in love. I really want to get that sorted. I think it’s a key piece of the answer.’

Seb been snapping pics to me. I’m so confused.😂 So I snapped some food pics back.

Made light pickled eggs today! Can’t wait!!

Talked to Z very briefly.

All of a sudden realize I’ve been changed a lot.

I saw from him- I think this is where the chain of resentment normally continues- but I’m not interested in participating. I don’t want to make another innocent man feel used or hurt. I think it should stop here.

…

I went to talk to him 4 or 5 times.

First time he was rude. ‘What do you want?’ He asked. I’ve only just said hi.

Second time he blocked me directly.

Third time he ignore me and blocked my text.

This is the fourth or fifth.

None, not even once I talk to this person had a good result.

Whenever I treated a person with respect, I would like to be treated the same way. But for him it’s a proof I’m beneath him.😂

I keep being abandoned by him. No matter how long i stayed, how long I waited. How careful I treated him.

He come and goes, uses me, complain about life, suck up energy, finish his wank, had his confidence boost, block. Smooth.

Apart from his dick, rarely something happy was shared. His handful of music, thesis, a few climbing photos. There used to be him playing piano too, not anymore. By the end, his rabbit, the excitement of a new phone and one meme. And we always had the debate whether he should share his penis or not. I don’t think he should. I always think it’s beyond the scope of intimacy we were at or we’ve ever been.

Most of the time he’s unhappy. He faces some problems. If I have any problem, show any slight unhappiness he would ignore and show contempt. Later I learn to stop sharing my problems at all and pour everything in diary.

I told him I think I love him. The the conclusion I had after months of long walk by the river.

You can’t say that. He said. I thought he was intimidated. Probably thinks I’m crazy. But my head was clear, it wasn’t caused by some kind of strong emotional fluctuation, not from his usual sweet and attentive facade when he’s bored and needs to talk to me for whatever reason. I knew what I said. I’m in love with a person I barely know, who comes to use me once in a while, who will use his ex-gf as an excuse to block me to avoid trouble, someone who will judge my actions with his motives. I knew exactly what I was talking about.

For a long time after that, and for some strange reason, he resembles perfection, of someone imperfect. He truly was.

I knew exactly what I felt when I stared at the vortex in the river and thought, Sam must knew why this happened, I knew exactly what I felt when I looked into another man’s eyes and the only thing I noticed was his eyelid structure.

He blocked me, as usual. That’s the first time ever I felt a sense of relief, instead of sadness and pain. Just like yesterday.