2023/6/17

Met Sarah, Will and Z yesterday.

Z suggested I should go back for a while bc 'it feels faster and more alive’

I agree. I know what he's saying. I'm planning too. This country told me death and slow living, I'm happy to absorb something about liveliness now.

I also know what I don't like about vibrant, fast life about China- the separation from things that are truly deep and meaningful, soul and essence of human life, a purpose, something I spent time to understand and would rather not lose. It's 虚假繁荣。I said. Also a lot of people claiming they have what they don't have.

We walked in circles, he got kabab. I was to full from the meal with Will so I didn't try his Kabab.

I think I have a misinlignment when I talk to Z. He's a smart person. He always provide good points too. But he rarely seem to understand or directly reply to what I said. Maybe I haven't adapt to his language system. Maybe he didn't understood what I said sometimes.

I forgot to take pictures in my very nice black dress.

I don't know about the conversation with Will. I don't feel like I've learned much about him. Maybe I do, already, but I'm not aware. I accidentally spilled water on my phone and broke my phone. Then on the tube back I banged my head on the pole when I walk out of the door trying to say goodbye to him.

I also swapped seat with him when I saw a couple made out in the restaurant. The guy looks like he's about to rip her clothes off any minute.

It's making me uncomfortable. I said.

I can understand if it's a beach or somewhere casual. Here? ugh

for the first time ever saying those stuff to a person, I told Z, I was never super ambitious and career determined person(he knew that), my life goal was to have fun and do things I like. Now I've changed my mind. I don't know how, I don't know when, it just did. When I was younger, for the choice of being loved and being feared I would choose being loved. Now I would rather be feared.

You don't necessary mean fear. He said. You want respect.

Yeah. I said. After those three years, big and small things, countless unfairness, discrimination, humiliation, unjust, I know why some things have higher priority than science for me right now.

There are group in Kings that do quantum dots. He said.

Fuck quantum dots. I said. I learned it, I knew the language about it, I thought about it, I spent my sweat and tears for it, I dreamt about it, now it's over. Done is done.

He said he wants to look around, go to different countries and stuff, so he doesn't want to settle down with a wife and kids which he feels like are restraints. They are not restraints. I said. Partner and children are never restraints. They are gifts. If you currently think so you are apparently not suitable for anyone. Nobody wants or cares to restrain you.

I thoughts it's really funny. It made me thought about Of human Bondage again. I figured it's always people like him, like Maugham, that consider the torturous emotional stir, some women treat him like shit, feels like love. family, responsibility, a person to care for and care for him is scrafice and constraints. But honestly, nobody care enough to ask him not to fuck around. Nobody gives any fuck who he hang out with, what he eat, is he feeling well.

Nobody cares if you are alive or dead. Nobody wants to hear about your day. At least I've never met anyone who does. Who has the time and effort to restrain you??? We are free man of our own! I think he's compatible with someone that wants transactional sex with him. He gives the money, have sex, and the women give 0 fuck how he deal with life. As he wanted.😂

I stopped conversation of this kind with him immediately. I got bad influence from Sam enough. It's already taking too long to clear out of my system. I don't want to be someone like this one day.

Read news about IBM quantum computing before sleep.

…

Me and Will decided to have dinner. We haven't seen each other since 2019. I changed decision last minute to go to a lecture in the British Museum first. The title is ‘Persia and Greek arts in the world of the Scythia'

We had fun.

Henri Paul Francfort is a treasure.

Then we went to have dinner.

I was in that beautiful black dress. I decided to be extra extra and add drama by put on my uncomfortable work of art heels.