2023/6/4

Woke up feeling good today.

HHZ send me some pics from Yi He Yuan(I like reading messages when I wake up, but they are rare), it was a royal garden, it's nice and green, flowers have bloomed. 'Cant capture the beauty with my phone.’ he said. 'it's already super pretty!! But I get what you mean.’ I said

'i understand why traditional Chinese window have those patterns, the green look so beautiful when they peep through.’

'oh yes I completely know what you are talking about. If I ever have gardens I would like one of those Chinese gardens, i always feel like the decorative doors and windows provide a prospective of frame within a picture.’

Excited about gardens. We are like two old people. I'm also a big fan of Arabian gardens and a room with dome. I stayed in one, once, music sounds phenomenal inside, I suspect moaning would sound extra clear with 3D surrounding too.

He sent me some more pics, one of them with a cute girl holding a gold fish lantern and said he plans to go to Xiang Shan soon.

…

Feeling hot today so I wear one of the hot girl summer top.

Took the book and a sandwich to the park for a read, two minutes after I sat a guy came to talk to me, I was polite that probably gave him the wrong signal, he started to ask about my star sign, so I opened the book, he asked me if I’m busy, I said I am, he left. While I have sandwich a guy passed by on a bike. ‘You are gorgeous.’ He said. ‘Thank you.’ I said. He looked back and smiled at me. People are particularly nice today.

I am no difference from who I am yesterday, who I am in baggy t-shirt, I was even wearing the same trousers. yet i got completely different treatments. I consider this whole thing ego inflation.

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home

All I feel is sadness. I mean it felt good to be complimented, and I smiled and said thank you. I don’t know if I’m sad because my general mood is sad or it doesn’t make me happy, that I change clothes attitude is different

Told CC about today. ‘Good appearance, people are attentive; good soul, people take advantage. Humans are shit.’ She said.

I made an agreeing noise. It doesn’t make me less sad.

Cried.

You know what I should keep an ugly cry photo album😂 once I got a bubble from my nose I could’ve taken a picture

My entire life, all I wanted is to be listened, once, not been treated as a piece of meat, someone would like to get to know me, yet my not so long adulthood I’ve been used for sex. It hurts so much. I’m not even that pretty. I’ve seeing so many of my friends, including her, throw away the thing I wanted so much, when they clearly have someone who appreciates their value and care about who they are.

People want what they can’t have. She said.

But what’s the appeal of being an item? A mere sex symbol and a sex doll!

It made me cry again.

End up explaining to CC Taliban, Saddam and the fall of Iraq. She also thought Sultan is the ruler of Sudan (because it’s the same word in transliteration to Chinese)😂😂😂😂 so we clarified Sultan, Emperor, Tsar, King, such as Tsar came from Caesar, 皇帝（emperor) in Chinese came from Qin Shi Huang etc