2023/6/11

Didn’t fall asleep. Cried. Will try to sleep again.

Didn’t sleep. Masturbated instead.

😂Can I just say again my toy is THE BEST THING IVE EVER PURCHASED???? I never got the hype of the whole penetration thing before, my life has changed!

Going back to sleep moisttttt

Wouldn’t it be nice if someone can slide in behind me while I’m half wake half asleep and cum inside me and keep this position cuddling and fall asleep again and wake up inside me hard hehehe

…

wore another hot girl summer top today. I’m going to wear all the clothes I bought but never worn.

Finally home!!! Im naked again!! Yayyyyyy

Julia’s flying to the UK to talk to me. 🥹 I miss her. She’ll stay for one night and go back to Vienna on Sunday.

I decided too see more people when I’m in London this time.

Wanted to message miss Thompson on messenger, I opened the search box, my last search popped up and it says Sam Jenner in that blue t-shirt. My heart lose a beat. Like something hit me inside the cavity of my chest. I clicked on his picture, came back, and cleared the search history.

He’ll be fine. He’s charming, funny, smart, he’ll find someone he’s passionate about and someone passionate about him.

…

People tell you PhD is hard, they failed to explain why it’s hard.

For me it’s not so much about being cheap labor or the discomfort of discovering the unknown, I guess for most people it isn’t either, because they did had us warned on those, and I assume most people are like me, feel thrilled about the unknown.

I think it’s related to the age. Most people do it in their 20s, it’s the time where people try to figure out what they like and what they want, what they are capable and incapable of, PhD is something with high opportunity cost, high reward but not so high it’s gonna change your life indefinitely.

It’s also not a job you can deliberately procrastinate or ‘quiet quit’ if your boss pisses you off, because nobody’s paying for my time, all the time are ‘for myself’.

I also find it slightly relieving, for some reason, to know about the problems Prof. S might have. In comparison, mine are some very minor problems. 😂

…

I got doctor’s advice(a mum’s friend) to have children rather sooner than later too- how??????????????? Like this isn’t even possible, like I’m not even saying oh I’m waiting to give a good, comfortable life to my children, it’s literally I have no one, NO ONE, I can or I would like to have babies with.

Those advice add little help but anxiety ffs.

And I wont have babies now even if I can right now! I’m not mature enough.

I rarely write about it because I don’t want to think about it. I am really scared if being completely honest.